My mom had to stay at work today, so the siblings and I headed out to the temple ourselves.

I havent gone in a couple of years, my brother’s just as bad as I am but at least my sister goes frequently. I really wanted to go tonight at midnight to catch all the fun festivities. I wanted to attend the ceremony, pick some lucky clementines and maybe catch some firecrackers and a dragon dance.

I was raised as a Buddhist but Im not very religious at all. I believe in karma though. Not as some sort of unexplainable power, but I believe there are rewards and consequences for all actions. I stopped being religious long time ago, but I stick to the traditions and what not out of respect for my culture and its people. To each their own, except it is my own. So I try to do my best.

Ive been making a real effort to return to my roots in the last year or so. Taking more time to read and learn. Taking more time to speak to grown ups about what home is like, especially because I was born here and Ive never been to Vietnam.

I hate admitting it, but I think I spent a lot of my youth being ambivalent towards my culture. I didnt know how to feel. On one end, I loved being Vietnamese or Asian because it was who I am. I loved the majestic-ness of our culture. I loved our food, our lifestyle and our history. But at the same time I felt negative about it. But I think my negativity grew from racism and all the discrimination I experienced growing up. Somehow, I think the way people treated me affected the way I saw myself. I felt as if being Asian was such a huge part of my problems and sometimes I wished I wasnt Asian just so I could live a better life and not deal with the discrimination. As insane as it sounds, I subconsciously blamed myself being Asian as a source of my frustrations.

“You’re so not Asian.”

I hear that shit all the time. I think subconsciously, I avoided doing most Asian stereotypical things growing up. When I think about, I guess it was to avoid people bothering me and being right about it. For instance if they were like “All you probably do is play video games, read anime and play ping pong.” I would be able to say, “Actually, I dont do any of those things.”

Anyone who has known me while I was growing up, knows I was always the furthest things from being Asian. It was almost like I was embarrassed. I mean I had a lot of Asian friends growing up too, but I dont think a lot of them cared about what other people thought. And if someone was being racist, we could just beat them up. Althought fighting was our most common option, I didnt want it to be like this forever. I guess what I was trying to do was try to find a cure and learning to avoid it in the future, as opposed to taking the medicine.

I actually kind of get upset whenever I think about it. I get upset at the fact that I was ever embarrassed of who I was and I let the opinions of strangers who I dont even care about matter to me.

My experiences have caused me to be really self conscious, aggressive and defensive. As a kid and straight into my late teenage years, I always got into fights. I always felt like I had something to prove. I always felt like the underdog. I even fought people twice my size or even when I was outnumbered. I always fought to let the other kids know that just because I was Asian, it didnt mean I was a wuss. I also always made it a point to never just chill with Asians. I really cared to be accepted by other races, as if I was some sort of representative for all Asians. I felt that if other nationalities could accept me, they would accept other Asian people into their lives. All they needed was someone to break the ice. I always felt like that was my responsibility. And when it came to girls, I always dated girls of different backgrounds to show that the Asian guy could be just as good as any other. I dont give a shit anymore, but I hated it when people would be able to assume that I was dating someone based on our common skin tone.

I mean, I still struggle with these issues a lot now, but Im a lot better than I used to be. Im learning to ignore others and just allow myself to live without subconsciously being told what to do. Because the truth of the matter is, no matter what I create and see myself as, Im still Asian. And instead of going against myself, like I feel the rest of the world is, maybe its time to stand up for myself then if I believe in acceptance so badly. I got to accept myself first. You know?

I know this sounds super strange to most of you, but its not easy growing up as a minority. I know not everyone can relate to this, but I feel as if we have to do a sprinting marathon just to catch up to other people who are just doing a comfortable jog.

But the older I get, the more Ive come to embrace all this.

As silly as this sounds, when I was younger Id always used to quietly snicker to myself when I seen another Asian and say to myself, “Ha! Im the cooler Asian, and you’re such a loser and no one will ever accept you.” But now when I see Asians, weirdly, I just want to make conversations (although I never do). I feel like theres a unspoken idea of solidarity amongst us, and I just want to let them know, Im no longer ambivalent (as if anyone cares. lol).

Ive come to embrace my differences. Im more open to showing and teaching people about who I am. Im more proud. Im actually planning to go to Vietnam in the fall and go on an entire Asian tour. I want to meet the faces of my people and see the places from the stories that my parents tell me. I want to taste the fruits and the food that they always crave. I want to experience the happiness that they had in their youth. And to be honest, Im actually afraid of how emotional Im going to be when I get to Vietnam. Ill be 27 years old in the fall when I finally return to the land of my roots. I dont see how this wouldnt be a life changing trip for me. I know theres a lot of beauty in my culture, I just need to make the time for it again.

But like my brother Gavin once said to me “The struggle is beautiful.”

As difficult as it was growing up in yellow skin, I would never change it for anything else. This skins been through a lot and Im thankful that its so thick. The more experiences and hardships we go through in life, the stronger we become as individuals.

“Everything Im not makes me everything I am.”

Im glad I went to the temple this year without my mom making me. Im glad I understand the importance of acceptance again. Acceptance of myself. Its taken me a long time to get here.

Im sorry Ive blabbed so much. I figured this was an important topic since Im sure Im not the only one who feels these ways.

I wanted to open your minds to Chinese New Year so you knew it existed, I wanted to show you the temple, but I also wanted to express my thoughts so you could understand me as a human better.

Anyways, happy new years to everyone. I wish you all an amazing year filled with prosperity, love, wealth and health. May all your dreams and wishes come true.

“Chuc Mung Nam Moi.”

*Will bows