Its 6am and I just got back from responding to a phone call that I really wish I didnt receive.

…

You know, Ive been meaning to write a funny feel-good post about some random stuff for the past few weeks now, but every time I decide to put aside some time to write, something bad happens that sours my mood and screws with my train of thought.

My feelings are no longer pure or genuine because my mind is clouded by other emotions.

How do I write about happy things if Im not happy?

Sometimes I feel like Im on the brink of madness or something.

Like Im getting close to the final straw.

There’s always something.

Financial issues, family issues, relationship issues.

A whole lotta issues.

And they only get more and more complicated.

I’ve had a problem with stability my whole life. Im not used to living in the same place. Im not used to having money. Im not used to the same people sticking around. Im not used to parents staying together.

Im not used to being used to anything.

I think my lack of stability has also caused me to become a very insecure individual.

I dont believe anything will last long enough.

Dont get me wrong, Id love to believe that everything will last forever, but Im not sure if Im built like that.

Im not sure if Im built to believe in things like that.

I get scared of commitments and believing things will last. Im scared that as soon I get used to it, it’ll end. Something will go wrong.

So spare the heartbreak, let it go. Dont believe in it. I’m only fooling myself.

I guess we can call it my self defense mechanism.

Im a screwed up individual.

I guess this is why I work so hard. I feel like everything else in my life is so up and down, and I feel like my work is the only thing that brings me satisfaction…well maybe not work because Im nowhere near where I want to be, but maybe more the idea of progress. The idea that I can be better than I was yesterday and Ill be greater than who I am today. The idea that success and money will grant me freedom, liberty and time.

I feel like if I became successful and had money, I could pay off all my debts and begin to live and look after those I care about. If I had success and money, I could look after my family. I could look after my mom and spend more time with her. I could take my family around the world so they could see what Ive been able to see before its too late. I feel like if I had success and money, I would be able to not work so much, I would be able to spend more time building a better relationship, having time to show the woman I love that I really do love her. I could maybe afford an engagement ring and maybe a wedding. I could buy a house and have kids.

I know. I know. Money cant buy everything.

But money provides the means.

Im just tired of how frustrating this has become for me.

I just want things to start happening.

I just want things to change.

I just want to be happy.

Like truly happy.

Im working on a lot of things right now, both career wise and life wise.

Im hoping something gives.

And to anyone who spent the time to read this, Im sorry for having to share such negative thoughts but thank you for being my therapist.

I would have called someone to vent, but its now 630am. But then again, I also really hate venting because I hate forcing people to hear my bullshit.

I just had to write this stuff out because it was bothering me. I needed it out of my system. But knowing me, Ill probably delete this post in a day or 2 because I hate seeing reminders of when I was depressed or miserable.

Anyhow, I should probably get to sleep now.

Sorry, but thank you.

Goodnight.